


You know you can try

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, J.J.Express, Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr.
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Love, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 21:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14198031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I like you, Dai-chan.” he said, slowly. “And when you’ve told me that you wanted to try and be with me, I couldn’t think about any good reason to reject you. Because I love you too, because I have fun with you, because you waste your time talking to me and trying to understand me, where others have always given up on it.”





	You know you can try

Daiki wished he could’ve convinced himself that things had started going wrong lately.

But he was always forced to correct himself.

Things, between them, had never been good.

It wasn’t easy establishing a relationship, of any kind, with Kei.

The boy was always elusive, always too lost in his world for his to truly understand what was going through his mind.

But he had never given up; he had spent the past years trying to follow his rhythms, the thread of his thoughts, never losing a chance to be by his side, until the other one seemed to have opened his eyes and seen him.

Arioka had always thought that Kei had taken their relationship passively, as accepting the fact that he loved him and never doing something to prove the same, but he had never worried too much.

It hurt, but he settled.

Because he was sure that was the most he could get out of him, the most the other could express.

They had gone on this way, seeing each other whenever they could aside from work, with Daiki always looking for more things to talk about, trying to catch his attention on something, trying to make him open, talk about himself.

The results were almost never satisfying, but he was content with his small conquers, and kept telling himself that one day Kei would’ve come out of his own world and would’ve finally realized who he was, who was always around.

And he had always been sure of it, until his eyes had fixated over small details that he wished he had never seen.

On the way Kei had opened up, little by little. On how he had started standing his ground, on his behaviour that looked more and more rational.

And on the fact that none of this was because of Daiki.

Inoo never seemed to truly listen to him when he talked, he just looked at him as if his eyes went through what was in front of him, as if in the meantime he was thinking about something else.

He wasn’t like that, when he was with Yabu.

He listened to him, he ate out of his hand.

He answered, and from those answers one saw that he truly cared about what the other had said.

His expression was less blank, he could see in his eyes that light that they always liked when Daiki was the one who talked to him.

It was something he hated, just like he felt he would’ve come to hate Yabu if things would’ve kept on that way.

He needed to talk with Kei.

Talk to him, and make him listen for the first time.

Talk to him, and finally make him realize that he was almost seventeen, and that he couldn’t keep ignoring other people’s feelings, as if his indifference for the world was enough to justify the pain he caused.

Daiki knew he didn’t do it on purpose, but it didn’t make him feel better.

That’s what he wanted Kei to understand.

That he wasn’t alone in his world, and that if he didn’t want Daiki to be a part of it, if Yabu was what he wanted, who he could learn to love, it wasn’t fair to keep playing with his heart, as if in the end it wasn’t worth anything.

 

~

 

That afternoon he had stolen himself some space from the elder’s engagements, managing to get from him that they went to drink something.

It didn’t happen so often, Kei had always been busier than him with the Ya-Ya-Yah, and the fact that he was called more often than the others.

He tried to shut this kind of thoughts out, while the other in front of him stared at the soda’s glass as if he was trying to convince himself to start drinking it.

“Kei?” he asked for his attention.

The elder raised his eyes on him, and Daiki felt a sharp pain in his chest.

They had been together for months now, but he still wasn’t used to those eyes, not yet.

He just hoped he would’ve had more time to do that, or to change them, but he felt like he couldn’t breathe now, like he wasn’t going to get any more chances and this was the last one he had.

“What, Dai-chan?” he asked, opening his eyes and half-smiling, his usual absent-minded look.

“I need to talk to you, Kei. I need to tell you something, and I wish you will hear me carefully.” he told him, chewing down on his lips and thinking about how wrong was of him to ask it so directly, when it should’ve been obvious.

But he loved Kei, he had _chosen_ to love him, to accept his limits and those nuances that made him who he was.

He saw him nod briefly, and so he started.

“I want to talk about us. I want to talk about the fact that we’re together, because... we never did that. I’ve asked you if you wanted to try to be with me and you said you were okay with that, but you actually never told me what you thought about it or what...” he sighed, lowering his eyes so that he wasn’t forced anymore to look at Kei’s, which had gotten oddly curious.

The elder held out his hands, getting them closer to his and starting to draw imaginary lines on their back with his fingertips.

He looked absorbed as usual, but Daiki had like the sensation that there was something different, that he was actually thinking about an answer.

The minutes went by, but he was in no rush.

When he finally answered, he listened to him, carefully.

“I like you, Dai-chan.” he said, slowly. “And when you’ve told me that you wanted to try and be with me, I couldn’t think about any good reason to reject you. Because I love you too, because I have fun with you, because you waste your time talking to me and trying to understand me, where others have always given up on it.” he explained, blushing lightly.

“But you don’t love me. Not in that way, do you?” Arioka asked then, his voice barely audible, while he couldn’t tear his eyes off of Kei’s hands, still on his.

There was something intimate in that simple contact, something that made even harder for him to say the words.

He wished he could’ve pretended he had never started talking, pretending that everything was alright with them, and then keep quiet and enjoy the feeling, but he knew he couldn’t.

Because then they would’ve been there again, not understanding each other, wanting different things.

And Daiki _desperately_ needed clearness, in that moment.

“You feel something for Yabu, don’t you?” he asked, more resolved than before.

He wanted to know, even though it was going to hurt.

He wanted to know, because he couldn’t be in the dark anymore.

He wanted to know, because then what he had had with Kei this past moths would’ve been meaningless and it would’ve been his defeat, it would’ve meant he hadn’t understood the other boy during this whole time.

The elder opened his eyes wide for a second, then frowned and didn’t look at him anymore.

This time, it took him less to answer.

“It’s never been my intention to play with you, Daiki. It’s just that I’ve always thought what I felt for you was the most I could feel for someone. And I’ve kept thinking it for this whole time, until...” he bit his lip, and looked at him again. “Until I’ve gotten closer to Yabu. Until I’ve found out that with him I can feel a happiness that I didn’t know before. Until I’ve realized that there’s a huge difference between the love I feel for you and what I feel for him, and believe me when I say that until now that difference has never been clear to me.” he said, almost pleading, so much that Daiki felt like crying for the emphasis of that speech, for how much he had strained himself to finish it, for how raptured he seemed while he talked about Yabu, about him, love and affection.

A rapture that he had never seen in him.

Slowly, he pulled his hands away from his touch.

“I believe you, Kei. I believe that hadn’t realized how different it could be, I believe that you didn’t want to hurt me... I believe you, always.” he sighed, closing his eyes briefly. “I can know how love and affection are different because the moment I’ve met you it was very clear to me how I felt. And I truly wish I could keep being with yo. I want to feel you, to have you close. I want to keep holding your hand in mine and I want to keep loving you.” he said, then became suddenly sad. “But I can’t force you to feel the same for me, not when there’s someone who can make you happier than I ever could. I’ve taken the first step with you, I’ve tried, and I know that somehow you’ve tried too.” he looked at him, he saw his eyes misty, and fought against the instinct of standing up, get closer, hugging him, soothing him. That wasn’t the right moment to do it, and perhaps it wasn’t going to be anymore, because he was aware he was about to lose that right. “We’ve both tried, and we’ve failed. There’s nothing else we can do, and it makes no sense to keep fighting for something that in the end has never existed, not for both of us, not in your heart.” he sighed, trying to force himself to smile, as to not make him feel guilty about faults that, in the end, he didn’t have. “I love you, Kei. It’s what matters in the end.” he finished, and this time he was the one to hold out his hands to take Inoo’s.

That touch was apparently too much for the elder, who started crying quietly.

“I’m sorry, Dai-chan.” he whispered.

The younger didn’t reply, deeming his hands caressing him enough of an answer.

He loved Kei, and perhaps in the end he had also been good at understanding him.

He didn’t want to give up on him, not completely.

It was going to hurt, but he wanted to have him close, even if he couldn’t touch him, but at least seeing him happy; it was better, after all, than being able to touch him, hug him and kiss him, and then being forced to face that void that was the only thing Kei could offer him.

But he would’ve thought later about what was going to happen.

For the next few minutes, even hours if he would’ve gotten a chance, he didn’t want to let go of the hands he was holding. 

 


End file.
